Five years ago, my heart was far from God and I hurt my knee.

About the same time five years later, m heart is far from God and I hurt my knee.

For so long now I’ve been living like God doesn’t exist in my life let alone like He is my Savior. I’ve been walking my own path away from the Lord.

I’m so frustrated to be in this situation again. I’m in pain. I feel weak. I can’t walk. I’m helpless. I don’t know if I need surgery. I can’t get a doctor’s appointment for anytime soon. And even when I do it’ll take some time for testing and such. I’m in Queens with only a week’s worth of clothing. Most of everything of mine is still in Buffalo. I don’t know when I’m going back to Buffalo. I don’t know how long I can stay in Buffalo now that I’m handicapped. If I move back to NYC, that’ll be the third time I move in 3 months. I will have to give up my apartment. Quit research without any confidence of getting a recommendation letter. Church in Buffalo and NY have both been “unsatisfying” though this definitely has to do with the condition of my heart. I have no income. I’m not independent. It’s so hard to study when I haven’t studied for a year and a half. I’m almost 23 and going nowhere in life.

Argh. I just don’t know anything anymore.

God, are you trying to teach me that I can’t walk without You again?